Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
