STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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