haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
