I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
