You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
