just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I need a beard to bite.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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