We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
