Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
