Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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