I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
