i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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