On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
