Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
