The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
