just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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