i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
