Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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