I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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