Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
