3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
