Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
