my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
