The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
