apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
