i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
