I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
