I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
