Banned from zoo.
Again?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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