Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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