How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
