i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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