# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
