They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
