so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
