My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
