bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
where are you?
Hypothermia
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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