Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
