He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
