I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
