Quick, to the slutcave!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
His nipple licking is glorious
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