I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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