he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
