I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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