this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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