My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
