I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
