I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
