You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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