Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
