I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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