i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
