I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
