bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
