I CAN MOONWALK!
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
